Lately things are not the way they used to be. I don’t know if it’s because of what you are doing now, that is transforming you the way it did before, or if it’s because of US. I don’t think it matters after all, the result is the same. We’re not like we used to be.

I don’t understand your reactions anymore: Twice in 2 weeks you started yelling at me for no reason. You put everything on me, you go crazy over nothing. I know I’m annoying sometimes, I know I’m not easy because of the problems I have, but that doesn’t allow you to react like that.

I did everything I could to help you go foward, and to help you become the man you are right now. I’ve always supported you, when everybody was letting you down (and even your family). After all, I’m maybe stronger than I thought. But since last week, I’m weak again. What I thought was strong is falling to pieces again, and once again I don’t know why. I have the feeling that I’m being taken for a fool and that no matter what I’ll do, or say won’t have any impact on the situation.

Maybe that’s fate, maybe that’s how things were supposed to end. Mayb I should have stopped it when it happened the first time. But I was feeling so terrible without you. I was feeling guilty, but why? Because you pushed me away? Because you weren’t able to let me in although you were there thanks to me? I might be really psycho sometimes!

And on top of that, you keep saying I come first, but I don’t. You still didn’t get that what you say has to suit what you do, otherwise it doesn’t make any sense. Maybe all this doesn’t make any sense. You know that F. thought so. I know you’d say that F. isn’t objective because he’s jealous or whatever, but C. isn’t and he thinks the same… And your bro, and M. and probably many other people! In my family too. And when we think about it, and try to look at the situation in a objective way: maybe they are right. We don’t share many common points, you don’t want to live where I live, I don’t want to live where you live. How’s it gonna end? I don’t know, but I think we’ll know soon enough… 

 And tonight you left. You are with them. THEM! The same ones who criticize us, the ones who have to faith. The ones who wish they had you for themselves, and wish I wasn’t there. The same ones you say goodbye to me for. I want to stand up and look at them and smile, like I didn’t know what they really think. I used to do that. But I can’t anywmore, I won’t. I did that for too long, with you, with them, with him… I can’t anymore. Tonight I wish I could fade away. I wish I could… Because our relationship will experience no miracle, I should just go, and let it go…

You’re everywhere.

When I open my eyes, I see you. When I close them, I see you too, like if your image was incrusted inside my eyelids. When I fall asleep, I meet you in my dreams, and I finally feel good, because I imagine myself in your arms.  But You’re not there. 

When She opens her eyes, you are really there. When She closes her eyes, you are laying next to her. When She falls asleep, She meets you in her dreams, She feels good, because She is in your arms. You are there for Her, and not for me. 

Because… 

… She’s everything to you and I’m nothing to you…

Un regard,
J’ai su que c’était toi,
Qui suis-je pour toi?
Un prénom?
Un instant?
Un regard?
Je le sais
Un souvenir? Je l’espère
Un peu plus? Je le souhaite
Un désir? J’aimerai tant
Une réalité? J’en rêve
De l’amour… Impossible

So many things are going on in my head…

How did we end up like this… HOW?

I remember our first conversation like if it was yesterday, I was talking to you about the scares of my day, about anything and nothing. It was such a long time that we hadn’t talked but still, I almost had the feeling to talk to an old time friend. I knew some stuff about you, most of it were bad I have to say. I guess we could say it was thanks to the ATP gossip channel, yeh that must be it. I actually realized later, that what I heard, which was already bad enough, was only a little preview of what you had done.

Me who is so quiet, so romantic, so everything that you are not, HOW did I fall in love with you?

I thought I was more clever than them, the ones you used flirt with, and usually more. I still hope I am. To convince mysellf I try to think this way: when feelings are involved who can talk about “being clever”? Seriously? You just go where your heart beats, and he used to beat for you. He probably still does, I’m sure he does. But something broke. You know when sometimes you hit a fragile thing, but you can only see a tiny little damage on it? You think it”s fine, that you can fix it, and you can. And you hit it again, and fix it again. But at some point that fragile thing just tear apart, and fall into pieces in your hands, without that you can hold all the pieces together. Maybe you and I together, could hold this together. Because this fragile thing is my heart, and you are the one who has hit it so many times… But you’re blind, selfishy blind. You don’t take me seriously, you blame me for not being fine, when you should blame yourself for not being able to make me happy. That’s your “job” after all!

You will never realize how much you hurt me, neither make things better, because you don’t want to face the problem, you always run away, or close your eyes like a kid in front of a scary thing.

That’s funny how people say things and act a different way. You used to tell me how she got me because you wanted her to, how better then her you were, that you would have had never done the mistakes she has made.

But what’s the truth? The truth hurts isn’t it? Nah it doesn’t hurt you (at least not yet) because you are unable to open you eyes and bear the weight that the truth puts on our shoulders. Some people say that it’s sometimes better not to know the truth (or not to be willing to see it), but I’m not like that. I want to know the truth; I want to see it so I have even the slightest chance to change it. You are so the opposite of me on that, and on so many other things actually. We’ve tried to show you the truth, to lighten your bad behaviour towards us, but you kept ignoring it and throwing it back at us.A few days ago, you did it again; you threw all your lack of feelings back at me. But this time one thing has changed. I’ve decided that I wasn’t the only one who has to handle the consequences of your actions anymore. I’m going to be selfish for once, and stop thinking about you and if my behaviour may hurt or disappoint you.

I know I’ll never be good enough in your eyes, and I’m tired of competing with your exaggerated expectations. Your expectations… Aren’t we supposed to expect from others what we could actually expect from ourselves? Again, that’s not something that is part of your philosophy Dad…

If you only knew…

Would it actually change ANYTHING?…

I doubt it…

SCENE II. Capulet’s orchard.

Enter ROMEO

ROMEO

He jests at scars that never felt a wound.
JULIET appears above at a window

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief,
That thou her maid art far more fair than she:
Be not her maid, since she is envious;
Her vestal livery is but sick and green
And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.
It is my lady, O, it is my love!
O, that she knew she were!
She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that?
Her eye discourses; I will answer it.
I am too bold, ’tis not to me she speaks:
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
Having some business, do entreat her eyes
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.
What if her eyes were there, they in her head?
The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars,
As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven
Would through the airy region stream so bright
That birds would sing and think it were not night.
See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!

JULIET

Ay me!

ROMEO

She speaks:
O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art
As glorious to this night, being o’er my head
As is a winged messenger of heaven
Unto the white-upturned wondering eyes
Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him
When he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds
And sails upon the bosom of the air.

JULIET

O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I’ll no longer be a Capulet.

ROMEO

[Aside] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

JULIET

‘Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What’s Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call’d,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.

ROMEO

I take thee at thy word:
Call me but love, and I’ll be new baptized;
Henceforth I never will be Romeo.

JULIET

What man art thou that thus bescreen’d in night
So stumblest on my counsel?

ROMEO

By a name
I know not how to tell thee who I am:
My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself,
Because it is an enemy to thee;
Had I it written, I would tear the word.

JULIET

My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words
Of that tongue’s utterance, yet I know the sound:
Art thou not Romeo and a Montague?

ROMEO

Neither, fair saint, if either thee dislike.

JULIET

How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?
The orchard walls are high and hard to climb,
And the place death, considering who thou art,
If any of my kinsmen find thee here.

ROMEO

With love’s light wings did I o’er-perch these walls;
For stony limits cannot hold love out,
And what love can do that dares love attempt;
Therefore thy kinsmen are no let to me.

JULIET

If they do see thee, they will murder thee.

ROMEO

Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye
Than twenty of their swords: look thou but sweet,
And I am proof against their enmity.

JULIET

I would not for the world they saw thee here.

ROMEO

I have night’s cloak to hide me from their sight;
And but thou love me, let them find me here:
My life were better ended by their hate,
Than death prorogued, wanting of thy love.

JULIET

By whose direction found’st thou out this place?

ROMEO

By love, who first did prompt me to inquire;
He lent me counsel and I lent him eyes.
I am no pilot; yet, wert thou as far
As that vast shore wash’d with the farthest sea,
I would adventure for such merchandise.

JULIET

Thou know’st the mask of night is on my face,
Else would a maiden blush bepaint my cheek
For that which thou hast heard me speak to-night
Fain would I dwell on form, fain, fain deny
What I have spoke: but farewell compliment!
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say ‘Ay,’
And I will take thy word: yet if thou swear’st,
Thou mayst prove false; at lovers’ perjuries
Then say, Jove laughs. O gentle Romeo,
If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully:
Or if thou think’st I am too quickly won,
I’ll frown and be perverse an say thee nay,
So thou wilt woo; but else, not for the world.
In truth, fair Montague, I am too fond,
And therefore thou mayst think my ‘havior light:
But trust me, gentleman, I’ll prove more true
Than those that have more cunning to be strange.
I should have been more strange, I must confess,
But that thou overheard’st, ere I was ware,
My true love’s passion: therefore pardon me,
And not impute this yielding to light love,
Which the dark night hath so discovered.

ROMEO

Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear
That tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops–

JULIET

O, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,
That monthly changes in her circled orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable.

ROMEO

What shall I swear by?

JULIET

Do not swear at all;
Or, if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self,
Which is the god of my idolatry,
And I’ll believe thee.

ROMEO

If my heart’s dear love–

JULIET

Well, do not swear: although I joy in thee,
I have no joy of this contract to-night:
It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden;
Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be
Ere one can say ‘It lightens.’ Sweet, good night!
This bud of love, by summer’s ripening breath,
May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.
Good night, good night! as sweet repose and rest
Come to thy heart as that within my breast!

ROMEO

O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

JULIET

What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?

ROMEO

The exchange of thy love’s faithful vow for mine.

JULIET

I gave thee mine before thou didst request it:
And yet I would it were to give again.

ROMEO

Wouldst thou withdraw it? for what purpose, love?

JULIET

But to be frank, and give it thee again.
And yet I wish but for the thing I have:
My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.
Nurse calls within

I hear some noise within; dear love, adieu!
Anon, good nurse! Sweet Montague, be true.
Stay but a little, I will come again.
Exit, above

ROMEO

O blessed, blessed night! I am afeard.
Being in night, all this is but a dream,
Too flattering-sweet to be substantial.
Re-enter JULIET, above

JULIET

Three words, dear Romeo, and good night indeed.
If that thy bent of love be honourable,
Thy purpose marriage, send me word to-morrow,
By one that I’ll procure to come to thee,
Where and what time thou wilt perform the rite;
And all my fortunes at thy foot I’ll lay
And follow thee my lord throughout the world.

Nurse

[Within] Madam!

JULIET

I come, anon.–But if thou mean’st not well,
I do beseech thee–

Nurse

[Within] Madam!

JULIET

By and by, I come:–
To cease thy suit, and leave me to my grief:
To-morrow will I send.

ROMEO

So thrive my soul–

JULIET

A thousand times good night!
Exit, above

ROMEO

A thousand times the worse, to want thy light.
Love goes toward love, as schoolboys from
their books,
But love from love, toward school with heavy looks.
Retiring

Re-enter JULIET, above

JULIET

Hist! Romeo, hist! O, for a falconer’s voice,
To lure this tassel-gentle back again!
Bondage is hoarse, and may not speak aloud;
Else would I tear the cave where Echo lies,
And make her airy tongue more hoarse than mine,
With repetition of my Romeo’s name.

ROMEO

It is my soul that calls upon my name:
How silver-sweet sound lovers’ tongues by night,
Like softest music to attending ears!

JULIET

Romeo!

ROMEO

My dear?

JULIET

At what o’clock to-morrow
Shall I send to thee?

ROMEO

At the hour of nine.

JULIET

I will not fail: ’tis twenty years till then.
I have forgot why I did call thee back.

ROMEO

Let me stand here till thou remember it.

JULIET

I shall forget, to have thee still stand there,
Remembering how I love thy company.

ROMEO

And I’ll still stay, to have thee still forget,
Forgetting any other home but this.

JULIET

‘Tis almost morning; I would have thee gone:
And yet no further than a wanton’s bird;
Who lets it hop a little from her hand,
Like a poor prisoner in his twisted gyves,
And with a silk thread plucks it back again,
So loving-jealous of his liberty.

ROMEO

I would I were thy bird.

JULIET

Sweet, so would I:
Yet I should kill thee with much cherishing.
Good night, good night! parting is such
sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow.
Exit above

ROMEO

Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast!
Would I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest!
Hence will I to my ghostly father’s cell,
His help to crave, and my dear hap to tell.
Exit

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date: