Lately things are not the way they used to be. I don’t know if it’s because of what you are doing now, that is transforming you the way it did before, or if it’s because of US. I don’t think it matters after all, the result is the same. We’re not like we used to be.

I don’t understand your reactions anymore: Twice in 2 weeks you started yelling at me for no reason. You put everything on me, you go crazy over nothing. I know I’m annoying sometimes, I know I’m not easy because of the problems I have, but that doesn’t allow you to react like that.

I did everything I could to help you go foward, and to help you become the man you are right now. I’ve always supported you, when everybody was letting you down (and even your family). After all, I’m maybe stronger than I thought. But since last week, I’m weak again. What I thought was strong is falling to pieces again, and once again I don’t know why. I have the feeling that I’m being taken for a fool and that no matter what I’ll do, or say won’t have any impact on the situation.

Maybe that’s fate, maybe that’s how things were supposed to end. Mayb I should have stopped it when it happened the first time. But I was feeling so terrible without you. I was feeling guilty, but why? Because you pushed me away? Because you weren’t able to let me in although you were there thanks to me? I might be really psycho sometimes!

And on top of that, you keep saying I come first, but I don’t. You still didn’t get that what you say has to suit what you do, otherwise it doesn’t make any sense. Maybe all this doesn’t make any sense. You know that F. thought so. I know you’d say that F. isn’t objective because he’s jealous or whatever, but C. isn’t and he thinks the same… And your bro, and M. and probably many other people! In my family too. And when we think about it, and try to look at the situation in a objective way: maybe they are right. We don’t share many common points, you don’t want to live where I live, I don’t want to live where you live. How’s it gonna end? I don’t know, but I think we’ll know soon enough… 

 And tonight you left. You are with them. THEM! The same ones who criticize us, the ones who have to faith. The ones who wish they had you for themselves, and wish I wasn’t there. The same ones you say goodbye to me for. I want to stand up and look at them and smile, like I didn’t know what they really think. I used to do that. But I can’t anywmore, I won’t. I did that for too long, with you, with them, with him… I can’t anymore. Tonight I wish I could fade away. I wish I could… Because our relationship will experience no miracle, I should just go, and let it go…

You’re everywhere.

When I open my eyes, I see you. When I close them, I see you too, like if your image was incrusted inside my eyelids. When I fall asleep, I meet you in my dreams, and I finally feel good, because I imagine myself in your arms.  But You’re not there. 

When She opens her eyes, you are really there. When She closes her eyes, you are laying next to her. When She falls asleep, She meets you in her dreams, She feels good, because She is in your arms. You are there for Her, and not for me. 

Because… 

… She’s everything to you and I’m nothing to you…

So many things are going on in my head…

How did we end up like this… HOW?

I remember our first conversation like if it was yesterday, I was talking to you about the scares of my day, about anything and nothing. It was such a long time that we hadn’t talked but still, I almost had the feeling to talk to an old time friend. I knew some stuff about you, most of it were bad I have to say. I guess we could say it was thanks to the ATP gossip channel, yeh that must be it. I actually realized later, that what I heard, which was already bad enough, was only a little preview of what you had done.

Me who is so quiet, so romantic, so everything that you are not, HOW did I fall in love with you?

I thought I was more clever than them, the ones you used flirt with, and usually more. I still hope I am. To convince mysellf I try to think this way: when feelings are involved who can talk about “being clever”? Seriously? You just go where your heart beats, and he used to beat for you. He probably still does, I’m sure he does. But something broke. You know when sometimes you hit a fragile thing, but you can only see a tiny little damage on it? You think it”s fine, that you can fix it, and you can. And you hit it again, and fix it again. But at some point that fragile thing just tear apart, and fall into pieces in your hands, without that you can hold all the pieces together. Maybe you and I together, could hold this together. Because this fragile thing is my heart, and you are the one who has hit it so many times… But you’re blind, selfishy blind. You don’t take me seriously, you blame me for not being fine, when you should blame yourself for not being able to make me happy. That’s your “job” after all!

You will never realize how much you hurt me, neither make things better, because you don’t want to face the problem, you always run away, or close your eyes like a kid in front of a scary thing.

That’s funny how people say things and act a different way. You used to tell me how she got me because you wanted her to, how better then her you were, that you would have had never done the mistakes she has made.

But what’s the truth? The truth hurts isn’t it? Nah it doesn’t hurt you (at least not yet) because you are unable to open you eyes and bear the weight that the truth puts on our shoulders. Some people say that it’s sometimes better not to know the truth (or not to be willing to see it), but I’m not like that. I want to know the truth; I want to see it so I have even the slightest chance to change it. You are so the opposite of me on that, and on so many other things actually. We’ve tried to show you the truth, to lighten your bad behaviour towards us, but you kept ignoring it and throwing it back at us.A few days ago, you did it again; you threw all your lack of feelings back at me. But this time one thing has changed. I’ve decided that I wasn’t the only one who has to handle the consequences of your actions anymore. I’m going to be selfish for once, and stop thinking about you and if my behaviour may hurt or disappoint you.

I know I’ll never be good enough in your eyes, and I’m tired of competing with your exaggerated expectations. Your expectations… Aren’t we supposed to expect from others what we could actually expect from ourselves? Again, that’s not something that is part of your philosophy Dad…

If you only knew…

Would it actually change ANYTHING?…

I doubt it…